Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bird of prey flying high, take me on your flight.

“Most people love you for who you pretend to be … to keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense … it’s true, we’re locked in an image … an act. And, the sad thing is, people get so used to their image - they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And, if you try to remind them, they hate you for it. They feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.” — Jim Morrison

When I first read this quote, I wanted to cry. Even now, the idea of it makes me want to cry.

I'm not sure why exactly, but I've been lacking so much patience with people recently. Sometimes specific people, but mostly people as a whole. So many things are appearing so fake to me. People who uphold blogs on Tumblr and create this image of themselves where they're so sexually liberated and intellectual and spiritually enlightened and stoned, and they feel badass when they smoke pot and create art in the nude while contemplating the absurdity of the Faustian choice. I don't doubt that there are people out there who genuinely enjoy doing such things, but the idea that it has to be displayed in such a way on public forums? It seems pretentious and counter-productive to the idea of enlightenment. It seems like Tumblr in general is a nice, concise way to produce your image through pictures and quotes that you happen to come across on the internet. But in this rant, I am not attempting to assert some sort of superiority over others, because I fall victim to this as well. I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to improve my image as seen by strangers through what I post on Tumblr, and it sickens me. I don't think I do it as severely as my example above, but knowing that I do it at all is enough to anger me. It makes me feel like a huge hypocritical mess.

And even aside from any social networking site, people are constantly keeping up a certain image in real life, as Jim Morrison stated. Well, I don't think it's everyone. There could be people that COMPLETELY act like themselves. But I know I'm not one of them. I mean, I do genuinely want to be nice to people because I sincerely believe that people should be nice. I'm not bullshitting when I say things like that. But to a certain extent I do pretend to be this skewed version of myself, to keep the love of those I know. And I sense it when a few others do it too. But it scares me, because knowing that I'm pretending at all makes me question what parts of my personality actually are genuine. I worry that maybe I've grown to love my chains. And I cry over the fact that I could never leave those chains, because I'm not sure I'd even know how.

And it absolutely fucking kills me because there's one person that I felt was on the same level on this as me. One person that I wanted to reveal these feelings and more to. The only person that I could see myself dropping the false image for, or at least trying to figure out how to do so. But apparently this person wants nothing to do with me, despite every effort I've made.

Friday, April 8, 2011

These vagabond shoes are longing to stray right through the very heart of it.

Well it's been about three months since I last updated, so I figured it was finally about time to write again. In response to the second anonymous comment on my last entry, I am not leaving forever (which I guess is obviously answered in the fact that I'm now writing a new entry..) In all honesty, I don't know when I'll write again after this but I'll attempt to do so more frequently.

In recent news, I have been rejected by Temple University, the only school I would have stayed in Philly for. This time last year, I wasn't aware that I could find such a school, let alone in Temple. So I didn't quite comprehend the rejection at first, so much so that I couldn't even feel sad. However, I was accepted to Pratt Institute for creative writing. It's actually my dream school, I just never thought I'd get in. Although the issue of affording to live/support myself in New York scares the fuck out of me, I am intensely excited to move back to the city that I hold so dearly in my heart.

The moment I enter New York is always an epic one for me. Driving through Staten Island to get to Brooklyn and Queens provides me with a sensation that I have never experienced in anything else. It is an overwhelming feeling of finally being home. I haven't even lived in New York for six years, and in a sense I don't feel like a true New Yorker when it comes to things like my lack of knowledge in the subway system. However, I believe that in many cases, if you are born in New York or grew up in New York, no amount of time can change the fact that inside you remains the city's incredible spirit. I know I must sound incredibly cheesy, but when I walk through its streets, I know with all of my heart that it is where I belong. That it is part of my cosmic path to become acquainted with the various aspects of this beloved city.

So in the end, I think my Temple rejection is another sign that the universe is constantly conspiring to shower us with blessings. If I had been accepted to Temple, my mom wouldn't even let me consider going to Pratt, and though I did love Temple, I'd really be choosing it to avoid disappointing my mother. This way, New York is my only choice. Don't underestimate the compassion of the cosmos. Seemingly awful events are woven into our paths purposely to lead us somewhere amazing, even if we can't quite see it at first.

Friday, December 24, 2010

War is over (if you want it)

Once again, I'm feeling incredibly inspired. Jazz, poetry, beatniks, and cigarettes is how I would sum up my mood right now. Very.. mellow. Very .. with the flow.

And I'm using this opportunity to encourage you to get into a flow too. Not necessarily my flow, but your very own. Because we all have our own flow to go with. So find your flow, man. It's neither better nor worse than mine, just simply yours.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

P.S. I made a Tumblr so if you happen to be reading this post and you happen to have an interest in looking at it, here you go.

Peace to the cosmos.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Listening to The Animals' cover of House of the Rising Sun. It's... exhilerating. Vitalizing my mind, provoking my thoughts, galvanizing my sense of being. Inspiring me to.. act. Not in a theatrical, learning lines kind of way. Act as in .. taking action; doing.

Yes, I'm rambling. Rambling on. I promise you I'm not intoxicated. I'm just in a .. raw state of mind...? Lack of hesitation, just writing. Now, I know what you may be thinking, "What is the point? She's telling us her state, but is she going to use it to convey something?" And that is a great question, my dear follower.

Yes, I have a point. I'm just not quite sure of it. And isn't that it, really? Isn't the big, cosmic point supposed to be that we don't know our own point? And in a cruel irony, the attempt to discover our point is what, in the end, separates us from it.

And now, I transition into Bird of Prey by Jim Morrison, which never fails to give me the chills.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink, I don't give a hoot about what you think.

To further emphasize the point of the Weezer lyric in the blog title, Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

I don't wear what I wear to make people like me, to make people dislike me, or to get any sort of attention. I wear it because it makes sense to me, because I like it. And that goes for everything I do. Sure, there are times when I like to make a nice impression but at the end of the day, I'm happy if I have expressed myself to the fullest degree. And recently I feel like I've seen so many people who are told how they should be, how they should improve themselves to better accomodate a certain standard.

On a similar-ish note, over the past week I've had a strong desire to be by myself, which in turn made school less bearable. But it's kind of going the opposite way. Now I want to be surrounded by people that I can inspire and be inspired by. I need intellectual stimulation from someone new and hopefully provide the same for them. Where is such a person? Probably right in front of me, I don't know (metaphorically speaking)

Friday, November 26, 2010

Just can't make up my mind.

I have decided to return. Turns out I couldn't make it a few months on Xanga without eventually neglecting my posts. Hah.

Every year, my high school plays football against the rival team on Thanksgiving, which has been going on for 115 years I believe. Yesterday I stepped out of the house, only to find that it was snowing here in Philly. It was a ridiculously magical moment for me, which was pretty funny in comparison to my friend's "Fuuuucckkk!" reaction.

It provided me with the feeling I have been waiting for since Spring. A feeling of comfort, possibility, and reassurance that can be found in many places, but seems to particularly resonate in the arrival of snow. I greatly look forward to a snowy December, listening to my Frank Sinatra records and drinking soy chai lattes (because to me, they taste like Christmas).

I would also like to list some things I am thankful for, as I did in my Thanksgiving post last year.
(No particular order, except the first 3. In real life even Coke couldn't come before Bob Dylan)
1. My friends and family
2. Particularly my one aunt who, during my visit to Poland this past summer, arranged for me to see my dad for the first time in 12 years.
3. The many people I was fortunate enough to meet in recent months
4. Sabra hummus
5. Coca-Cola
6. Bob Dylan
7. Pot
8. Jason Segel movies/Freaks and Geeks
9. Allen Ginsberg poems
10. The existence of nebulae
11. My english teacher
12. The art department at my school
13. Holiday dinners you genuinely like to attend
14. Little Nicky's pizzeria and their falafel
15. My record player
16. The 18 people who seem to enjoy my posts
17. Ghost Hunters/the TAPS team. Best show ever.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere

I have several things to get off my chest.

First, life is beautiful. I get angry so often, but despite that, I have the greatest faith that this world is a beautiful thing. So many people are losing hope in humanity because of the things that are happening, like the recent oil spill. They're convinced the world is ending, and that we're doomed. I think otherwise. I think this is all a test, or at least a sort of climax. Things are going to continue to worsen, until we are at a point where we think things can't possibly get worse. And then they'll get worse. But after that, we're going to enter a period of peace and regrowth. As I've mentioned in an earlier post, believing in doom is boring. Using the metaphor of a book, the plot would be entirely too mundane if nothing changed or continued going down the same road. It would be a static story. One theory of mine (well, not really MINE, countless people thought the same before me) is that eventually, mother nature will consume and take back control of the Earth, and man will revert to nature, learning to coexist with it.

And to kick off of that, I'd like to affirm my love of the cosmos. To fully express how I feel about outer space would take days.

^ That is the Jellyfish Nebula

This is what I imagine when I look up at the stars (well, the few stars I see in Philly)

It leaves me in complete awe. "The sky is the limit" is far too limiting for me. If we think about how big this universe is, the sky comes up intensely short. To me, there is no limit. We are in an ever expanding universe. Okay, I should stop.

Lastly, I have complete confidence in my future. I will make something of myself and no one will ever tell me otherwise. For now, I am following the path of music but I feel as if eventually, I will be meant to do something epic. Something completely new. It both scares and excites me.

I leave you off with several quotes:
"We and the cosmos are one. The cosmos is a vast body, of which we are still parts. The sun is a great heart whose tremors run through our smallest veins. The moon is a great gleaming nerve-centre from which we quiver forever. Who knows the power that Saturn has over us or Venus But it is a vital power, rippling exquisitely through us all the time... Now all this is literally true, as men knew in the great past and as they will know again." - D. H. Lawrence

"When your heart is filled with love, you will experience the Divine in the entire cosmos." - Sri Sathya Sai Baba

"We are in the cosmos and the cosmos is in us." - Matthew Fox

And now, to get back to my Lost marathon :]]]]