Tuesday, April 12, 2011
When I first read this quote, I wanted to cry. Even now, the idea of it makes me want to cry.
I'm not sure why exactly, but I've been lacking so much patience with people recently. Sometimes specific people, but mostly people as a whole. So many things are appearing so fake to me. People who uphold blogs on Tumblr and create this image of themselves where they're so sexually liberated and intellectual and spiritually enlightened and stoned, and they feel badass when they smoke pot and create art in the nude while contemplating the absurdity of the Faustian choice. I don't doubt that there are people out there who genuinely enjoy doing such things, but the idea that it has to be displayed in such a way on public forums? It seems pretentious and counter-productive to the idea of enlightenment. It seems like Tumblr in general is a nice, concise way to produce your image through pictures and quotes that you happen to come across on the internet. But in this rant, I am not attempting to assert some sort of superiority over others, because I fall victim to this as well. I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to improve my image as seen by strangers through what I post on Tumblr, and it sickens me. I don't think I do it as severely as my example above, but knowing that I do it at all is enough to anger me. It makes me feel like a huge hypocritical mess.
And even aside from any social networking site, people are constantly keeping up a certain image in real life, as Jim Morrison stated. Well, I don't think it's everyone. There could be people that COMPLETELY act like themselves. But I know I'm not one of them. I mean, I do genuinely want to be nice to people because I sincerely believe that people should be nice. I'm not bullshitting when I say things like that. But to a certain extent I do pretend to be this skewed version of myself, to keep the love of those I know. And I sense it when a few others do it too. But it scares me, because knowing that I'm pretending at all makes me question what parts of my personality actually are genuine. I worry that maybe I've grown to love my chains. And I cry over the fact that I could never leave those chains, because I'm not sure I'd even know how.
And it absolutely fucking kills me because there's one person that I felt was on the same level on this as me. One person that I wanted to reveal these feelings and more to. The only person that I could see myself dropping the false image for, or at least trying to figure out how to do so. But apparently this person wants nothing to do with me, despite every effort I've made.
Friday, April 8, 2011
In recent news, I have been rejected by Temple University, the only school I would have stayed in Philly for. This time last year, I wasn't aware that I could find such a school, let alone in Temple. So I didn't quite comprehend the rejection at first, so much so that I couldn't even feel sad. However, I was accepted to Pratt Institute for creative writing. It's actually my dream school, I just never thought I'd get in. Although the issue of affording to live/support myself in New York scares the fuck out of me, I am intensely excited to move back to the city that I hold so dearly in my heart.
The moment I enter New York is always an epic one for me. Driving through Staten Island to get to Brooklyn and Queens provides me with a sensation that I have never experienced in anything else. It is an overwhelming feeling of finally being home. I haven't even lived in New York for six years, and in a sense I don't feel like a true New Yorker when it comes to things like my lack of knowledge in the subway system. However, I believe that in many cases, if you are born in New York or grew up in New York, no amount of time can change the fact that inside you remains the city's incredible spirit. I know I must sound incredibly cheesy, but when I walk through its streets, I know with all of my heart that it is where I belong. That it is part of my cosmic path to become acquainted with the various aspects of this beloved city.
So in the end, I think my Temple rejection is another sign that the universe is constantly conspiring to shower us with blessings. If I had been accepted to Temple, my mom wouldn't even let me consider going to Pratt, and though I did love Temple, I'd really be choosing it to avoid disappointing my mother. This way, New York is my only choice. Don't underestimate the compassion of the cosmos. Seemingly awful events are woven into our paths purposely to lead us somewhere amazing, even if we can't quite see it at first.
Friday, December 24, 2010
And I'm using this opportunity to encourage you to get into a flow too. Not necessarily my flow, but your very own. Because we all have our own flow to go with. So find your flow, man. It's neither better nor worse than mine, just simply yours.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
P.S. I made a Tumblr so if you happen to be reading this post and you happen to have an interest in looking at it, here you go.
Peace to the cosmos.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Yes, I'm rambling. Rambling on. I promise you I'm not intoxicated. I'm just in a .. raw state of mind...? Lack of hesitation, just writing. Now, I know what you may be thinking, "What is the point? She's telling us her state, but is she going to use it to convey something?" And that is a great question, my dear follower.
Yes, I have a point. I'm just not quite sure of it. And isn't that it, really? Isn't the big, cosmic point supposed to be that we don't know our own point? And in a cruel irony, the attempt to discover our point is what, in the end, separates us from it.
And now, I transition into Bird of Prey by Jim Morrison, which never fails to give me the chills.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I don't wear what I wear to make people like me, to make people dislike me, or to get any sort of attention. I wear it because it makes sense to me, because I like it. And that goes for everything I do. Sure, there are times when I like to make a nice impression but at the end of the day, I'm happy if I have expressed myself to the fullest degree. And recently I feel like I've seen so many people who are told how they should be, how they should improve themselves to better accomodate a certain standard.
On a similar-ish note, over the past week I've had a strong desire to be by myself, which in turn made school less bearable. But it's kind of going the opposite way. Now I want to be surrounded by people that I can inspire and be inspired by. I need intellectual stimulation from someone new and hopefully provide the same for them. Where is such a person? Probably right in front of me, I don't know (metaphorically speaking)
Friday, November 26, 2010
Every year, my high school plays football against the rival team on Thanksgiving, which has been going on for 115 years I believe. Yesterday I stepped out of the house, only to find that it was snowing here in Philly. It was a ridiculously magical moment for me, which was pretty funny in comparison to my friend's "Fuuuucckkk!" reaction.
It provided me with the feeling I have been waiting for since Spring. A feeling of comfort, possibility, and reassurance that can be found in many places, but seems to particularly resonate in the arrival of snow. I greatly look forward to a snowy December, listening to my Frank Sinatra records and drinking soy chai lattes (because to me, they taste like Christmas).
I would also like to list some things I am thankful for, as I did in my Thanksgiving post last year.
(No particular order, except the first 3. In real life even Coke couldn't come before Bob Dylan)
1. My friends and family
2. Particularly my one aunt who, during my visit to Poland this past summer, arranged for me to see my dad for the first time in 12 years.
3. The many people I was fortunate enough to meet in recent months
4. Sabra hummus
6. Bob Dylan
8. Jason Segel movies/Freaks and Geeks
9. Allen Ginsberg poems
10. The existence of nebulae
11. My english teacher
12. The art department at my school
13. Holiday dinners you genuinely like to attend
14. Little Nicky's pizzeria and their falafel
15. My record player
16. The 18 people who seem to enjoy my posts
17. Ghost Hunters/the TAPS team. Best show ever.