Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Bird of prey flying high, take me on your flight.

“Most people love you for who you pretend to be … to keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense … it’s true, we’re locked in an image … an act. And, the sad thing is, people get so used to their image - they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And, if you try to remind them, they hate you for it. They feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.” — Jim Morrison

When I first read this quote, I wanted to cry. Even now, the idea of it makes me want to cry.

I'm not sure why exactly, but I've been lacking so much patience with people recently. Sometimes specific people, but mostly people as a whole. So many things are appearing so fake to me. People who uphold blogs on Tumblr and create this image of themselves where they're so sexually liberated and intellectual and spiritually enlightened and stoned, and they feel badass when they smoke pot and create art in the nude while contemplating the absurdity of the Faustian choice. I don't doubt that there are people out there who genuinely enjoy doing such things, but the idea that it has to be displayed in such a way on public forums? It seems pretentious and counter-productive to the idea of enlightenment. It seems like Tumblr in general is a nice, concise way to produce your image through pictures and quotes that you happen to come across on the internet. But in this rant, I am not attempting to assert some sort of superiority over others, because I fall victim to this as well. I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to improve my image as seen by strangers through what I post on Tumblr, and it sickens me. I don't think I do it as severely as my example above, but knowing that I do it at all is enough to anger me. It makes me feel like a huge hypocritical mess.

And even aside from any social networking site, people are constantly keeping up a certain image in real life, as Jim Morrison stated. Well, I don't think it's everyone. There could be people that COMPLETELY act like themselves. But I know I'm not one of them. I mean, I do genuinely want to be nice to people because I sincerely believe that people should be nice. I'm not bullshitting when I say things like that. But to a certain extent I do pretend to be this skewed version of myself, to keep the love of those I know. And I sense it when a few others do it too. But it scares me, because knowing that I'm pretending at all makes me question what parts of my personality actually are genuine. I worry that maybe I've grown to love my chains. And I cry over the fact that I could never leave those chains, because I'm not sure I'd even know how.

And it absolutely fucking kills me because there's one person that I felt was on the same level on this as me. One person that I wanted to reveal these feelings and more to. The only person that I could see myself dropping the false image for, or at least trying to figure out how to do so. But apparently this person wants nothing to do with me, despite every effort I've made.

Friday, April 8, 2011

These vagabond shoes are longing to stray right through the very heart of it.

Well it's been about three months since I last updated, so I figured it was finally about time to write again. In response to the second anonymous comment on my last entry, I am not leaving forever (which I guess is obviously answered in the fact that I'm now writing a new entry..) In all honesty, I don't know when I'll write again after this but I'll attempt to do so more frequently.

In recent news, I have been rejected by Temple University, the only school I would have stayed in Philly for. This time last year, I wasn't aware that I could find such a school, let alone in Temple. So I didn't quite comprehend the rejection at first, so much so that I couldn't even feel sad. However, I was accepted to Pratt Institute for creative writing. It's actually my dream school, I just never thought I'd get in. Although the issue of affording to live/support myself in New York scares the fuck out of me, I am intensely excited to move back to the city that I hold so dearly in my heart.

The moment I enter New York is always an epic one for me. Driving through Staten Island to get to Brooklyn and Queens provides me with a sensation that I have never experienced in anything else. It is an overwhelming feeling of finally being home. I haven't even lived in New York for six years, and in a sense I don't feel like a true New Yorker when it comes to things like my lack of knowledge in the subway system. However, I believe that in many cases, if you are born in New York or grew up in New York, no amount of time can change the fact that inside you remains the city's incredible spirit. I know I must sound incredibly cheesy, but when I walk through its streets, I know with all of my heart that it is where I belong. That it is part of my cosmic path to become acquainted with the various aspects of this beloved city.

So in the end, I think my Temple rejection is another sign that the universe is constantly conspiring to shower us with blessings. If I had been accepted to Temple, my mom wouldn't even let me consider going to Pratt, and though I did love Temple, I'd really be choosing it to avoid disappointing my mother. This way, New York is my only choice. Don't underestimate the compassion of the cosmos. Seemingly awful events are woven into our paths purposely to lead us somewhere amazing, even if we can't quite see it at first.