“Most people love you for who you pretend to be … to keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense … it’s true, we’re locked in an image … an act. And, the sad thing is, people get so used to their image - they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And, if you try to remind them, they hate you for it. They feel like you’re trying to steal their most precious possession.” — Jim Morrison
When I first read this quote, I wanted to cry. Even now, the idea of it makes me want to cry.
I'm not sure why exactly, but I've been lacking so much patience with people recently. Sometimes specific people, but mostly people as a whole. So many things are appearing so fake to me. People who uphold blogs on Tumblr and create this image of themselves where they're so sexually liberated and intellectual and spiritually enlightened and stoned, and they feel badass when they smoke pot and create art in the nude while contemplating the absurdity of the Faustian choice. I don't doubt that there are people out there who genuinely enjoy doing such things, but the idea that it has to be displayed in such a way on public forums? It seems pretentious and counter-productive to the idea of enlightenment. It seems like Tumblr in general is a nice, concise way to produce your image through pictures and quotes that you happen to come across on the internet. But in this rant, I am not attempting to assert some sort of superiority over others, because I fall victim to this as well. I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to improve my image as seen by strangers through what I post on Tumblr, and it sickens me. I don't think I do it as severely as my example above, but knowing that I do it at all is enough to anger me. It makes me feel like a huge hypocritical mess.
And even aside from any social networking site, people are constantly keeping up a certain image in real life, as Jim Morrison stated. Well, I don't think it's everyone. There could be people that COMPLETELY act like themselves. But I know I'm not one of them. I mean, I do genuinely want to be nice to people because I sincerely believe that people should be nice. I'm not bullshitting when I say things like that. But to a certain extent I do pretend to be this skewed version of myself, to keep the love of those I know. And I sense it when a few others do it too. But it scares me, because knowing that I'm pretending at all makes me question what parts of my personality actually are genuine. I worry that maybe I've grown to love my chains. And I cry over the fact that I could never leave those chains, because I'm not sure I'd even know how.
And it absolutely fucking kills me because there's one person that I felt was on the same level on this as me. One person that I wanted to reveal these feelings and more to. The only person that I could see myself dropping the false image for, or at least trying to figure out how to do so. But apparently this person wants nothing to do with me, despite every effort I've made.